I've given up

My life has taken a very sharp turn over the past couple of months. I have evolved from a women who worked full time as nurse while hectically trying to raise 6 children. A women who longed to be a wife that wasn't tired all the time, one who eagerly awaited a time I could spend with my husband without feeling guilty that twenty other things were being neglected during that "time". A guilt ridden women because I was spread so thin that I never got time for myself, yes I felt guilty that I wanted me "time". For quite a while I had been feeling a shift in my heart, a new desire that I was uncertain of. That desire enveloped me like a great white shark and left me perplexed for some time. I wanted to take my family and leave the only place I've ever known. Leave my home, my family, my friends, a wonderful job and most importantly my bubble. Was this a desire or some crazy whim that I have been known to concede to in the past. The only way for me to determine this was to pray. I won't go into my awful, shameful past that is filled with so many skeletons you could consider me a serial killer. But I will tell you that God has brought me to a place where prayer has become a vital necessity in my life. I used to be one of the most whimsical people you would ever meet, hence the skeletons that used to reside in my closet (LOL)! Was this desire, this longing to be somewhere else what God intended for not only myself but my family and so I began to pray to my Heavenly Father. Now, when I pray I have learned to expect that God will answer me. I never know the amount of time he will take in answering my questions but I can rest assure that he will answer me when the time is right, when my heart is right and when my eyes are focused directly on him. Over what was a very short period not only did my desire grow but it accumulated a more direct aim than when it first began. God not only wanted my family and I to leave our hometown, he also wanted me to leave my very good job and stay home with my two year old daughter. I was being asked to step down from the pedestal that I had placed myself on, ya know the one where you are plagued with the ludicrous idea that your family will not survive unless you take charge of everything. You have to do everything or it won't be "right". Jesus said in Romans 12:2 " Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind". I had allowed myself to become so independent (like women these days are told to be) that I had lost sight of how important it was for me to be the women God had intended for me to be. I am not saying it is not okay for a women to be self sufficient and support her family nor that it isn't okay for her to work outside the home. But I you allowed the world( friends, family, co-workers, TV, teachers, employers) to be my influences and tried to live my life like everyone else thought I should. It was always very important to me what other peoples opinions were. I asked for their advice, I welcomed their solution to my dilemmas. I had slowly built myself a pedestal that's foundation was cracked with spiritual discord and that is never good for a family. My husband enjoyed his role as Super Dad but he too was feeling a new desire, a pull somewhere else and a longing to join the workforce once again. We prayed together and waited for God's answers, at times with the inpatients of a child the night before Christmas. Impatient, why? you may ask. I get very excited when I know that God has something in store for me, he has blessed me over the years with so much more than I could have ever dreamed of. When God reveals that he has a huge change in store for my life may it be a new child, a new home or a new "job" I have my moments of stress but I know that if I trust him with all of my heart and remain obedient that I will be blessed. To be continued....................

Today could be your last....

This week has been tough, very tough. My 16 yr. old son's friend came home from school on Wednesday and found her mother dead. Awful I think is and understatement. I originally had intended my post to be light hearted, humorous yet realistic to my everyday life. Well this one is as real as it gets. My heart breaks for this family. I also struggle with how to help my own son try to understand why things like this happen. I do believe praying has helped me find strength to support him as much as I can. I also believe some times you just don't have the answers to all the tough questions even though our kid's believe we do. My work as a nurse has made me face my own mortality many times but this, this has made me really think about how my children will deal with my death when Jesus calls me home. Am I living every day like it's my last or do I take for granted every day that I have left on this earth? I like to think I appreciate every day with my family but let's be real. I have arguments with my teen sons that leave me so infuriated that I don't even stop to think how I have made them feel. What if this were the last time that we ever spoke, would they know that I only want what is best for them. Do they know that I still look in and watch them while they sleep, amazed at what beautiful young men they have turned into. Do they know that I don't always choose the right words when I am angry? Do they know that I thank God every single day for the blessing of being their mother? This week has been tough but I thank God for opening my eyes, for making me search my heart and for making me want to strive to live each day like it is my last. Don't let the sun go down on your anger and remember to show those you love just how much they mean to you even in the midst of anger and opposition.